Consider contacting hospice agencies directly about what they may offer. Hospice is a Medicare benefit that will generally pay 100% of medical expenses related to your spouse’s primary diagnosis. Hospice benefits are often offered through private insurance too. [1] X Research source
Ask the person what they need to be comfortable. They may want items from home, etc. They may want more jolly music or to look through old photos, etc. Respect what they do or do not want to do — if you think they might like something, and they say no, then respect their wishes and don’t force it on them. Create a peaceful atmosphere with soft lighting and soothing music. Reduce noise where possible. If appropriate, engage in prayer for your loved one in this time of need. Read a poem, book, or spiritual passage to your loved one. You might also gently massage their hands or feet, or simply hold hands.
Often the ability to hear is the last of the five senses to go, so while your loved one may seem unaware, they may be listening. [4] X Research source Allow them to reminisce and reflect on their life. Check in with your spouse regularly to see if they need some quiet time.
Continued loss of appetite and thirst, with difficulty in swallowing Increased pain, that can be treated, and fatigue Changes in blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing Congested breathing due to secretions that build up in the throat, which sound like gurgling Changes in body temperature and skin Possible disorientation or hallucinations such as talking to people who aren’t there Slowing of urine and bowel output Changes in sleeping patterns
Appointing a “health care agent” or Medical Power of Attorney. You are the default decision-maker regarding your spouse’s care, unless another family member is appointed via the advance directive; or if you are unable to mentally or physically assist with decisions. Determining medical treatment preferences, such as Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Status if no heart rate, or unable to breathe independently. Deciding if you wish to donate your organs or body for medical purposes.
If seeking legal advice is too costly, look into lower cost options through your state’s legal aid program, or if you or your spouse are over 60, there may be a senior legal aid hotline through your state.
By understanding your loved one’s specific wishes, you can honor their choices. You or other family members may have differences of opinion about how to memorialize a loved one, but the best way is to respect those choices made by your spouse. Consider calling various funeral homes, before your loved one is near death, in order to understand the varying costs and options available. By understanding your budget for funeral expenses, you can be better prepared when the time comes, and not face additional financial burdens.
Consider making a “Lifebox” folder with all the various details of the spouse’s medical, financial, and personal contacts. In an emergency, it will be easier to reference this folder, than to rummage through files, or piles of paper.
Plant a tree Dedicate something in your spouse’s name Give or donate personal possessions, or your time, to the community Create a scrapbook of happy memories Set up a charitable fund in your spouse’s name
Ask friends or family to sit with your loved one, so that you can run errands, or have a short break. Be sure to take really good care of yourself during this time. It might be hard to reach outward, but it’s important to proactively seek support from your friends, family, or a support group, so you’re not taking everything on yourself. [10] X Expert Source Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYTLicensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist Expert Interview. 24 April 2020. You appetite may be down, but try to eat something a few times per day. Also, nap when you feel like you could sleep, even if that’s not during the night. Find other ways for family to be useful in helping with your spouse’s care. If someone offers to help, say yes. Most of the time our instinct is to say thank you, I’m fine. Then later we regret it when we are overwhelmed with things to do. Challenge yourself to find something they can do to lighten your load. Saying yes along the way can keep things from snowballing out of control.
Talk one-on-one with trusted family and friends about what you’re feeling. If appropriate, talk with a chaplain or other religious support system about your feelings of loss. Engage in activities that help you cope effectively and positively with your emotions. Avoid alcohol and other substances as a means to cope. Join a grief and loss support group, and share with those who have had similar experiences. Talk one-on-one with a grief counselor.
See if your spouse has life insurance to help with bills in the short term. You may even be able to withdraw your spouse’s life insurance policy earlier without penalty, when a terminal illness has been diagnosed. Life insurance policies may also have a cash value component, but this may be less than if used upon death. [13] X Research source If you or your spouse are over retirement age, you may have access to spousal benefits via Social Security. A reduction in income may change your standard of living, or you may need to find work. Put the word out that you need help finding employment. You will generally have an army of people looking for some way to help.
Family and friends may encourage you to “move on” before you are ready, so kindly ask them to support you and respect your time frame. They will often say these things out of their own discomfort because they don’t know what to do when you are grieving. Remember that is about them, not you. Forgive yourself, and don’t let regrets about what should have been, or what you could have done, stand in the way of remembering the good things that you and your spouse share. Your spouse will someday pass away, but you can still continue to honor his or her memories — past, present, and future. Remember that it is never too early to talk about the above-mentioned arrangements — even if all parties are healthy. Take action now to avoid having to deal with that stress while trying to grieve.
