Whether it’s planned after death occurs (an “at-need” situation) or beforehand (a “preneed” situation), arranging a funeral or memorial service is often an emotional, and sometimes exhausting, process.
This article offers an overview of the steps you should follow to plan a funeral or memorial service, whether for yourself or for a loved one.
Planning a Service
Planning a funeral or memorial service is a highly personal process. Your decisions will be shaped by your life experiences, relationship to the deceased, what the deceased wanted, what you desire for yourself after you die, what you can afford, and myriad other factors.
Many people mistakenly assume that a funeral and cemetery burial are the same thing, or that choosing cremation means you can’t also hold a funeral service with the deceased’s embalmed body present beforehand.
Therefore, it’s important to understand that a “funeral” as we generally think of it actually involves two important functions:
What to do with the deceased’s physical remains (the form of final disposition)How to honor, remember, even celebrate the life and memory of the person who died (the form of the funeral or memorial service)
Choose the Form of Disposition
When planning a funeral or memorial service, it might prove easier to first select the form of final body disposition you desire.
Traditional Burial
Whether below ground in a cemetery plot/gravesite, or above ground in a mausoleum or sepulcher (sometimes referred to as “entombment”), traditional burial generally involves purchasing:
A casketA cemetery plot or mausoleum spaceA grave liner or burial vaultA headstone, grave marker, monument or plaque
Natural or “Green” Burial
A growing number of traditional-burial cemeteries and sites specifically created for this form of final disposition now offer natural or “green burial” opportunities.
In general, people who select natural burial seek to minimize their impact on the environment after death.
Cremation
The cremation process uses heat/flame to reduce a body to bone fragments or “ashes.”
These cremated remains offer survivors various options afterward, such as keeping or scattering the remains, burial below ground in an urn, placing the inurned cremated remains in a columbarium, etc.
Alkaline Hydrolysis
This form of final disposition is relatively new and might not yet be available in your area.
The alkaline hydrolysis process, sometimes called “flameless cremation,” uses pressure and relatively low heat (versus cremation) to reduce a body to an inert liquid and skeletal bone fragments.
Elements of a Service
In the past few decades, funeral services have grown increasingly personalized, although many people still think of the “traditional funeral” as the norm.
A personalized funeral or memorial service reflects the unique life and personality of the deceased individual, as viewed by the deceased and/or his or her surviving loved ones, and regardless of the form such services take.
Many families these days prefer to plan a funeral or memorial service focused on remembering the deceased as he or she was in life, a service focused on the deceased’s body/remains, or a combination of both.
Therefore, you should imagine and plan the funeral or memorial service that you and/or the person who died consider the most meaningful way to say goodbye—something that:
Captures the unique qualities of the deceasedReflects their and/or your religious or spiritual beliefsProvides a memorable, meaningful opportunity for mourners to express their grief while comforting and supporting each other
Some families prefer funeral services in a place of worship or a funeral home chapel, incorporating religious readings and music. Others prefer secular (non-religious) services in a public or private location. Still others opt for a private funeral and interment for immediate family, then a memorial service later for others.
To personalize the service, you should also consider the following, as applicable:
Officiant(s) who will lead the service, such as a clergy member, celebrant, funeral director, etc. Readings, such as poems, prayers, religious or secular passages, etc. , and who will deliver them Eulogist(s), who will write and deliver a eulogy about the deceased Music, whether contemporary, religious hymns, or both, and whether they’re live or recorded Food/beverages, whether professionally catered, provided “potluck” by attendees, or arranged by the funeral home or provider Pallbearers, if the final disposition involves a graveside service Webcasting the funeral, or making a recording of the service available later Personal touches, such as a memory board, memorial video, personal memorabilia, etc.
Having the Body Present
Another important decision you will need to make concerns the physical presence of the deceased. As noted above, burial and cremation are merely forms of final body disposition, and neither requires nor precludes funeral services with the body present.
For example, you can arrange a “traditional” funeral service that includes a wake/visitation beforehand with the embalmed body in an open casket even if you desire cremation of the deceased as the form of final disposition.
Likewise, some families choose to cremate the unembalmed deceased without a service beforehand but hold a memorial service afterward with or without the inurned remains present.
Flowers, Donations, or Both?
Traditionally, people send funeral flowers or sympathy flowers as a sign of support and to express their condolences.
For the past several decades, however, families have also used the phrase “In lieu of flowers…” in death notices and obituaries to suggest their preference for funeral memorial donations instead of, or in addition to, flowers.
Thus, you should decide if attendees may send flowers, if you’d rather they donate to a chosen charitable organization or cause in memory of the deceased, or if either form of expression is appropriate.
Whether requested in the death notice or obituary, social media or by word of mouth, you should clearly communicate how/where to send donations. Examples of worthy causes or organizations you might select include:
The hospice that cared for your loved oneA cause seeking to find a cure for the illness or disease that caused your loved one’s death, such as cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer’s, etc. A charity, organization or business representing a cause or purpose reflecting a personal passion or belief of the deceased, or one which he or she supported
Contact and Research Service Provider(s)
The next step is to research your service and provider options.
If death has already occurred, you can contact a local funeral home, cremation provider, or cemetery. Your chosen provider can help you:
Arrange the funeral, memorial, and/or interment service you desireProvide information about various products and servicesExplain the costs involved for merchandise, services, and other professional feesHelp you create an obituary or death noticeObtain official death certificates
You should also discuss with your provider any religious or cultural preferences that you would like honored.
For example, if you desire a secular funeral or memorial service, you might want to have a funeral celebrant, which some funeral homes now have on staff. Many funeral homes also have experience serving families from diverse cultural backgrounds with their own funeral rites and customs.
If you’re planning a funeral or memorial service in advance, you should research your product and service options of various funeral homes, cremation providers, and/or cemeteries in your area.
Finally, whether you are planning a funeral before or after a death has occurred, you have several basic rights under the FTC “Funeral Rule” that you should also review and understand.
The Federal Trade Commission requires providers to give customers accurate and itemized price information and disclosures about other services, whether the customer asks in person or over the phone.
Consider Your Payment Options
The costs will vary depending upon the form of final disposition and the type of funeral or memorial service you desire but you should consider how you will pay for these services. There are many payment options available today, such as:
Personal savingsInsuranceFinancing, often through your funeral providerCredit cardsTotten trust/Payable-on-Death (POD) account at a financial institution, which specifically sets aside funds for final expenses that pass to a designated beneficiary and avoid probate
In addition, it is possible to formally arrange your services in advance with a provider and then pay in advance, whether all at once or through installments.
People enter into these “preneed” arrangements for many reasons, including removing the burden of making difficult decisions once death occurs, to prevent financial hardship on survivors, or to spend down their assets in order to qualify for certain federal benefits.
Make Your Wishes Known
Finally, if you’re planning your own funeral or memorial service in advance, you should inform your family about your end-of-life wishes to make sure they know what you want.
Ideally, you should provide a written record rather than relying upon a family member’s memory or keeping your plans on your computer, but even a single verbal conversation with your spouse or partner, child, sibling, or parent can prove better than nothing.
If you’ve formally prearranged your funeral or memorial service with a provider, then you should keep those documents with your other important papers at home—and let your loved ones know of their existence and their location—so they have timely access to them when necessary.
