If the thing you’re asking for has a deadline — tickets for a concert or permission to go to a party, for example — start planning well ahead of time. You also want to have the conversation where you ask for permission ahead of the deadline, just in case the first answer is “no. " The first answer isn’t always the final answer — with some time, you may be able to change her mind. But you need enough time to do it.
For example, this might be the only time in the past five years that your favorite band has come to your city. If you don’t see them this time, you may have missed your chance for several years down the line. It may be an important bonding experience for you and your friends. It would make you feel lonely and sad if you were the only member of your circle of friends who wasn’t allowed to attend a birthday party. Can you frame the thing you want as a learning experience? For example, “Driving to school on my own will teach me self-sufficiency. I’ll have to wake up and get ready on time by myself, without you having to push me along. "
You’ve kept up good grades for a long time, or maybe you’ve worked hard to raise a low grade in a class you’d been struggling in. You do your chores every day without complaining. You haven’t asked for any favors in a long time.
Watching younger siblings for two weekend nights so your parents can have some time to themselves for date nights. Taking on extra chores around the house. Be specific and think about what she’d be most grateful for. If you know that vacuuming hurts her back, offer to take that off her hands. If she hates cleaning the cat’s litter box, tell her you’ll do that from now on. If the thing you’re asking for costs money, offer to pay for as much of it as you can afford. Cleaning any or all of your home Doing yard work Cleaning and/or washing the car Cooking meals Washing dishes Taking out the trash and/or recycling Doing laundry The important thing to remember is that the more specific you are, the more believable your promise is. Promising to “be good” is too vague to sound convincing, and she won’t believe you’ll follow through. However, giving her clear, detailed promises will make a world of difference.
She won’t like that there will be members of the opposite gender at a party; tell her that she can come chaperone if she wants. She’s too tired to take you to the amusement park this weekend; tell her you will take care of all her responsibilities the night before so she can relax and get a good night’s sleep. This includes laundry, cooking, cleaning — everything she might do. She’s worried that if she lets you start driving yourself around town, you’ll lie about where you are; tell her you’ll call her from your friend’s home phone or from the business line of wherever you’re going so she can verify with caller ID that you’re where you said you’d be.
Watch her carefully, looking for a time when she is relaxing and in a good mood, but doesn’t look like she needs that time to herself desperately. Try not to catch her during the “me-time” she needs to unwind at the end of the day, but don’t catch her in the middle of a busy day, either. Find a perfect middle ground, where she’s relaxed and in a good mood.
If you’re asking for a smartphone, explain that she can set controls on how much of her money you can spend in the app store, or whether you can spend any money at all. If you’re asking to go to a party, tell her where it will be held, who will be there, and which adults will be chaperoning. Give her the adults’ phone numbers so she can speak to them for herself; talking to other adults can put parents’ minds at ease. If you’re asking for permission to date someone, tell her all about the boy/girl you like. Tell her you want her to meet them before she makes a decision about whether or not you can date.
Keep a curious tone, not a defensive one. There’s a big difference between screaming “WHY?” at your mother and asking “But can you please just explain to me what problems you have with this, specifically? I just want to understand. And maybe there’s something I can do to make you feel better about it. ” Be open-minded while she speaks. Your mother has a lot of life experience and loves you very much, so she’s probably just doing what she thinks is best for you. You don’t have to agree with her opinions, but you have to respect that she has them.
“What would you like me to do to earn this privilege?” You’ve already brainstormed some bribes. If they don’t work, then this open-ended strategy, which hands control over to her, might get you closer to your goal. Be open and eager to compromise.
“Okay, Mom, you’re saying no right now. If that’s your final answer, I’ll respect it, but can I ask you to wait one week and come back to your decision? If I behave well enough for the next week, maybe I can convince you to change your mind. ” “I’m not asking you to change your mind. I’m just asking you to keep an open mind and see how hard I can work to earn this privilege. ”
Be smart about whether or not this is important enough to keep bugging her about. Save your big arguments for things that really matter. If going to the movies with your friends this weekend isn’t a huge priority, maybe you want to save your big fight for a much more significant privilege, like getting your own cell phone or learning how to drive.
Even though you’re allowed to feel how you feel, you should know that part of winning an argument involves learning to control your emotions. Work on keeping your voice normal and level — if you notice yourself getting louder or the pitch of your voice getting higher, take calming breaths to work out that tension you feel in your throat when you get upset. Balance your logical argument and your feelings. The discussion should be more about the argument you brainstormed in the previous section than how you’re feeling in the current moment. If you worry that you’re going to lose your temper or cry, show your maturity by asking your mom if you can take a break until you calm down. You might say, “Mom, I think I’m getting too worked up about this, and I’m not going to help my case by crying or yelling. But I do want to keep talking about this. I just need a break to regroup. Can we do that, please?”
‘Please may I. . . ’ ‘Could I please. . . ’ ‘It would be really great if I could. . . ’ ‘It would really help me with ______ if I could. . . ’ ‘I would really appreciate. . . '
Remember that in any conversation with your mother, she’s the one with the power. If you rub her the wrong way, your chances of getting whatever you want are basically zero. Control the urge to speak over her, even if you have great points to make. Wait until she’s finished her line of thought. Don’t just sit through it, but actually listen to it and absorb what she’s saying. The more you listen, the better you’ll be able to argue directly against her points. This is more effective than just making your case blindly from your own point of view. To further prove to her how seriously you’re taking her point of view, use “connecting words” like “ok,” “yeah,” “uh huh,” and so on while your mother’s talking to showing that you’re actively paying attention to what she’s saying.
Maintain eye contact — it shows her that you’re paying close attention, not letting your attention drift like you have better places to be. Uncross your arms and legs. Many people think crossed arms and legs as a sign that you’re closed off or distant. You want to show your mother that you are open to what she has to say. Nod your head when she’s making her points. Just like the “connecting” words, this shows that you’re following her.
Note that you may not get what you want every single time by being honest. However, if you get caught lying, you’ll find that your mom becomes harder and harder to persuade, and she’ll be suspicious even when she has nothing to worry about.
