You have a weak self-image. This happens when we evaluate ourselves and that voice in our heads is negative. It’s tough to stop listening to it, but at the end of the day it’s your voice and you can tell it what to say. [1] X Research source You have issues believing compliments given to you. Whether or not you think you look good, someone did, and that’s why they told you so. You wouldn’t call them a liar would you? Lift your chin, say “thank you” and accept it. Don’t try to tell the person who paid you a compliment that they’re wrong. You are preoccupied with how you come off. This happens when we focus too much on ourselves. Because we spend all day monitoring our actions and making sure we don’t mess up, we assume everyone else is too. We’ll talk about turning the focus on others if this sounds like you. You are labeled as shy by others. Sometimes, when we’re little, we’re shy. Unfortunately, people latch onto that and treat us as such, even when our personalities grow out of it. It’s possible that others have lumped you into this category and you’re trying to accommodate them. The good news? You only have to accommodate yourself. [2] X Research source Whatever your reason, it’s doable to get over it. They’re all ways of thinking and thinking is the one thing you have control over. Yes!
Odds are not all situations make you shy. You’re okay being around your family, right? How are they that different than the strangers around you? They’re not – you just know them better and what’s more, they know you. It’s not you, it’s just the situations you’re in. This proves that it’s not a global, 100% of-the-time thing. Excellent.
Make them as concrete as possible. “Talking in front of people” may be a trigger, but you can get more specific. Talking in front of those who have more authority than you do? Talking to those you find attractive? The more specific you are, the easier it will be to identify the situation and work through it.
Don’t worry if you have to go backwards on the list sometimes; take it at your own pace, but make an effort to push yourself.
Questioning yourself and checking the validity of your reasons. For example, its essential that you practice speaking in public to really overcome the problem of shyness. Try to see this shyness as a cue to push yourself hard and to do the opposite of what you have been doing when you feel shy. When you feel shy in public, you probably leave for a quiet place because this has been your default reaction for so long. But this time when you feel shy, push yourself and do the opposite; i. e. , talk to people. Yes, you will feel extremely uncomfortable but again see these emotions as a trigger to push yourself even harder. The greater the magnitude of these negative emotions, the harder they will motivate you to push yourself. After trying this for several times you will realize that these negative feelings and emotions were actually your good friends because they motivated you to push yourself even harder.
Questioning yourself and checking the validity of your reasons. For example, its essential that you practice speaking in public to really overcome the problem of shyness. Try to see this shyness as a cue to push yourself hard and to do the opposite of what you have been doing when you feel shy. When you feel shy in public, you probably leave for a quiet place because this has been your default reaction for so long. But this time when you feel shy, push yourself and do the opposite; i. e. , talk to people. Yes, you will feel extremely uncomfortable but again see these emotions as a trigger to push yourself even harder. The greater the magnitude of these negative emotions, the harder they will motivate you to push yourself. After trying this for several times you will realize that these negative feelings and emotions were actually your good friends because they motivated you to push yourself even harder.
The easiest way to do this is to concentrate on compassion. [5] X Research source When we’re feeling compassionate, sympathetic, or even empathetic, we stop being concerned about ourselves and start devoting all our mental resources to understanding others. Remembering that everyone is fighting some sort of battle – big or small (big to them!) – helps us remember everyone deserves our care. If that doesn’t work, imagine a thinking pattern like you imagine other people have. If you’re worried about how you look, you’re assuming everyone else is outwardly focused (hint: they’re actually not). Thinking patterns are contagious; once you start, you won’t be able to stop.
Involve all your senses to make it feel the most real. Think about being happy and comfortable. What do you sound like? What are you doing? That way when the time comes, you’ll be prepared.
This will fool your brain, too. Research says that good posture (head held high, shoulders back, and open arms) makes us feel authoritative, confident, and – to top it off – reduces stress. [7] X Research source And you didn’t even need more reasons!
Record yourself pretending to have conversations. Sounds ridiculous, sure, but you’ll notice patterns, when and why you drop off, times when you assume you’re speaking loudly but you’re really not, etc. At the beginning you’ll feel like an actor (and do things actors do to get in the moment), but it will become an old habit. Practice makes habits, you know!
Seriously. If you have some super confident and extroverted friends or family members, ask them about this topic. They’ll probably say something, “Oh, yeah, I totally make it a conscious thing to put myself out there” or “I used to be terrible. I really had to work at it. " You’re just on a different phase of the process than they are.
Your strengths can give you an advantage. If you’re a great listener, you’ll probably be able to see when someone has a problem and needs to vent a little. In this circumstance, they are the one that needs you. There’s nothing threatening about that situation. So ask them what’s up! You noticed they’re steaming at the ears a little bit – can you lend an ear of yours? In every social group, all the roles need to be filled. You have a place even if you don’t see it. None is better than any other – know that your value, whatever it may be, completes the group dynamic.
The popular kids at school are trying super hard, day in and day out, to be popular. They’re trying to conform and fit in and succeeding. Good on them, but it doesn’t mean they’re happy or that it’ll last. Trying to emulate something that isn’t as it seems won’t get you anywhere. You’re better off going to the beat of your own drum – the high school drum ends, the college drum ends, and then what would you be left with? A couple of drumsticks and a funny hat.
You’re not looking to impress here with your thorough and in-depth knowledge. You’re simply looking to join in. Others aren’t looking to be judged or be handed opinions, so keep it light and friendly. A simple, “Man, I wouldn’t want to be in Boehner’s shoes” can keep the conversation from hitting a standstill.
Stage one is a simple opening line. It’s small talk at its finest. Stage two are the introductions. Self-explanatory. Stage three is finding some common ground, some topic you can both talk about. Stage four is closing, one party informing the other of their departure, and summing up, possibly exchanging information. “Well, it was great talking to you – I never thought about Walt that way. Here’s my card – let’s chat again soon!”
Add a detail to basic statements. If someone asks you where you live, it’s easy for the conversation to stop in a super-awkward, feel-like-you’ve-failed dead halt. Instead of saying “On Jump Street,” say, “On Jump Street, right next to that awesome bakery. “[11] X Research source That way, the person has something to comment on, keeping the conversation going. Instead of replying, “Oh, cool. " They’ll say, “Ohmigod, have you tried their chocolate croissants?!”
Start off quickly, each conversation only lasting a few minutes. This will take the pressure off you and probably make you less nervous – when the end is 120 seconds away, it’s not that scary. Then you can focus your time and energy on those you’d like to be friends with. Really, it makes the most sense for your time and resources![11] X Research source
Think of the people you would want to approach. What do their bodies and faces say? Now think of the people you wouldn’t want to approach. How you’re sitting right now – where does it fall on the spectrum?
Humans are social creatures. A simple look at prisoners in solitary confinement will prove that. All of us are seeking interaction and reaffirmation. You’re not imposing on their day – you’re making it more vibrant and, well, better.
Am I breathing? If you can slow your breath, your body will automatically relax. Am I relaxed? Move your body to a more comfortable position if not. Am I open? You may be taking cues from your own positioning. Opening up may change how others view you as part of the group.
Focus on small, daily accomplishments, then gradually become more daring. Even asking a stranger the time can be a daunting task. Don’t write off these small chances as no big deal – they’re huge! You can work up to talking in front of huge crowds in a bit. Slow down!
You don’t have to be doing what everybody else is doing. And if you do, you’re not going to stick with it and you’re not going to find people who you like and are similar to you. Why waste your time?! If the bar scene isn’t for you, that’s totally fine. Practice your social skills in coffee houses, at small gatherings, or at work. They’re more applicable to your life.
Start at the top of your list, remember? It could be making small talk with the CVS girl, stopping a person at the bus stop for the time, or chit chatting it up with the guy who has the cubicle next to yours. Most people are crap at initiating (have you figured out why that is yet? They’re just like you), but the opportunities for conversation are there. Heading someplace by yourself is a great way to build your self-confidence, so you can be open to someone coming up to you. [15] X Expert Source Christina Jay, NLPMatchmaker & Certified Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2020. Going out alone can also push you to be more outgoing and more at ease with your own company. [16] X Expert Source Christina Jay, NLPMatchmaker & Certified Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
The more you do this, the more you find that people are receptive and friendly. Once in a while you’ll get the occasional freak who’s paranoid and wonders why you’re smiling at him – consider him just fun to mess with. What’s more, smiling makes people wonder why you’re smiling – now you’re getting in their heads instead of the other way around!
This will get easier with time. Remember how driving or riding a bike was hard at first? It’s the same with social interactions; you just haven’t had a lot of practice. After a while, you’ll be all “been there, done that. " Nothing will phase you. Huzzah. Joining a gym or doing other types of activities can help you meet new people indirectly. [18] X Expert Source Christina Jay, NLPMatchmaker & Certified Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
There is no timeline for this. For some people, it won’t happen until a lightbulb clicks on and all of a sudden they get it. For others, it’s a slow path that takes 6 months. However long it takes is however long it takes. Trust in yourself. You’ll get there.
