How To Overcome Martyr Syndrome Changing Your Mentality

Do you have low self-esteem? Do you ever find yourself thinking that you are worthless or unable to control your own life? When you feel upset, can you identify what is causing it? Or are you unsure? Do you often hold grudges? Is there something from the past that you can’t let go of? Do you often see situations as hopeless? Why is this? Does it help you avoid uncomfortable situations? Does it help you justify your current state of life?

For example, everyone finds their job stressful at times. Having to do things you dislike at work is part of life, and you cannot fully control stressful situations from occurring. However, you can control your reactions and coping mechanisms. The next time you encounter stress at work, pause and remember you have choices. Think to yourself, “I can’t completely get rid of these stressors, but I can control how I react. I can make a choice to stay calm and deal with this effectively. " When faced with a difficult situation, sit down, and make a list of everything that you can do to make a difference. This will help you feel as though you have more control in your life.

Think about how often you talk to other people about your martyrdom. Do you think that you use this behavior to get attention from others? Many people are relationship martyrs. You may find yourself putting a lot more into a relationship than you’re receiving. Oftentimes, people feel giving and giving to difficult people will eventually result in those people changing and becoming more loving and caring. Ask yourself whether this has ever really happened. In most cases, giving more than you receive in a relationship does not result in the other person changing. It only builds resentments and frustrations on your end.

Think about demands you place on others. Ask yourself what you expect from people around you and whether these demands are reasonable. For example, in a romantic relationship, you may expect your partner to match you in certain ways. Say you prefer working out with your partner, but your partner prefers to work out alone. You may find yourself assuming you’re the victim. You may feel your partner should want to spend time with you so they’re automatically in the wrong. Ask yourself whether this is really reasonable. If you’re unsure, you can ask a trusted family member or friend for their perspective.

If you feel guilt, spend some time examining how you view the world. Your worldview could contribute to your martyr syndrome. [4] X Research source

What you expect of yourself is often the same as what you expect from others. Adjust your expectations to a more reasonable level. This will improve both your relationship with yourself and others. Accept not everything will turn out the way you wanted. If you expected yourself to complete a certain amount of work within the day, do not beat yourself up if you miss the mark. Instead, appreciate what you did get done. Appreciate others for what they do, even if they don’t meet your exact expectations. For example, say your spouse brings home the wrong brand of toothpaste from the store. Instead of getting angry, be appreciative that you have toothpaste at all and this is one less thing for you to do.

Keep in mind that not everyone is good company. If certain family members or classmates make you feel bad about yourself, don’t spend time with them. Focus on spending time with people who make you feel happy and relaxed. Avoid people who drain too much of your energy, as interactions with them may leave you tired.

The worst that can happen is that someone will say “No. " Even if someone is unable to help, they probably will not think less of you for having to ask for help. Almost everyone has needed to reach out to others for help at some point.

You can say “no” without ever actually saying “no. " For example, you can say, “Sorry, I can’t commit to that right now” or “I already have plans. " Think about the commitments that really make you happy and prioritize them over things that drain you. Say “Yes” that things that will make you feel personally fulfilled and pass on other commitments.

Make it a ritual or a habit, such as spending an extra 5 minutes in the shower, relaxing, or meditating in the morning. Consider treating yourself to something bigger once every week or so, such as a manicure or bubble bath.

Start with the words, “I feel. . . " when expressing yourself and then briefly state your feelings and the behaviors causing them. This reduces blame as you’re focusing on your personal reactions over objective facts. For example, do not say, “You guys gave me too short notice for this project and now I have to work harder than everyone else in the office. " Instead, say something like, “I feel overwhelmed because I didn’t get enough notice about the project. “[10] X Research source Focus on the present moment. Express how you feel now. Do not let past emotions or problems control how you act now.

For example, if you need help, just ask. Say something like, “I could really use some extra help on this project if any of you have any downtime. "

Some people may behave in a negative fashion in order to entice others to guess what’s wrong. Instead of expressing yourself directly, for example, you may sulk or act cold towards someone who’s upset you. You also may complain about the issue in ineffective ways. For example, you may whine or complain continually, refusing to listen to advice or suggestions. You may also complain to other people around the person who’s frustrating or upsetting you while withholding information from them. You may also find excuses for not communicating. For example, you will convince yourself you’re too tired or too busy to talk things out directly. Writing in a journal is a great way to confront your daily life and to process your emotions in a healthy way.