If you failed to get an expected promotion at work, ask for a meeting with your supervisor to discuss where you got off track. Wait until you have moved past the first, most emotional stages of disappointment. Come in with some idea of where you may have failed, and with questions for future improvement. If you have failed to find the sort of job you had hoped to find, try reading the online profiles of people who have that job. Do they have a different educational background than you have? More years of experience? Did they enter the workforce at a different time? If you were disappointed in love, ask yourself if you were putting unusual pressure or expectations on your romantic partner. Did you understand how they were feeling throughout the relationship? Did you support their projects and friendships?
For instance, if you just ran your first half marathon and had hoped to run 7-minute miles, you were probably overly ambitious. Try setting a goal for the next race that is just a little faster than your last time. If you run 10-minute miles, try running 9. 7-minute miles. Train toward that time. If your previous goal had been to publish a novel by the end of the year, make your new goal more moderate. Your new goal might be to get feedback on your draft. Sign up for some novel-editing workshops, or hire a freelance editor or writing coach.
Recognizing the obstacles between you and your goals should not be considered negative or unhealthy thinking. The exercise of mental contrasting will help you learn not to cling to unobtainable goals or to dwell on what cannot be done. [4] X Research source
Avoid repeating the same mistakes. Your new approach should not include any of the strategies that may have caused your last approach to fail. Create a plan B. Even well-executed approaches can fail due to unforeseen complications. Make sure you re-enter the fray with a solid back-up plan.
Take time to process your feelings. If you try to fix or move past your disappointment before knowing how you feel; you may act rashly. Suppressing painful feelings can lead to health problems, such as chronic pain, sleep deficiency, and even heart disease. [7] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
If writing is not a helpful form of expression for you, find someone you can talk to. A trusted friend or family member, or a counselor, can help you move past denial. Solicit the perspective of any involved parties who were not emotionally invested in the situation. For example, a friend might have seen early signs of a fissure in a failed relationship. If you find yourself unable to move past denial – for example, you refuse to discuss or acknowledge what happened, or look at how you may have contributed to the failure, or you ignore the repercussions of what happened – examine what is holding you back. What are you afraid will happen if you acknowledge a failure? Maybe you feel like a failure because your child has a substance abuse problem, and instead of dealing with it, you remain in denial and give her money to buy “clothes” when you know she is spending it on drugs. Identify fears that are irrational or excessive. Do you worry that failure calls your intelligence and capability into question? Do you imagine that you are the only one who has ever experienced this setback and that you are being judged? Are you worried that everyone will be disappointed or lose interest in you if you do not succeed? Reflect on the consequences of action and inaction. What can you achieve with action? What might be worsened by inaction? Maybe you feel your relationship failed, and to avoid going through the pain of another breakup you refuse to date or examine what went wrong in the relationship. Inaction might allow you to protect yourself from rejection or the emotional pain of a breakup. It also means you are missing out on the fun and companionship of dating and might be turning away from a potentially great relationship.
Another way to reframe the situation is to understand why your attempt was not successful, then use that information to try again. The only way anyone discovers what does work is by also finding out what does not work. Failure presents you with an opportunity to learn until you get it right. Consider all the athletes, scientists, and other successful people who have tried and failed, only to persevere until they achieved their goal. Michael Jordan was famously cut from his high school basketball team, only to work hard and become one of the greatest players of all-time. Try using humor to encourage yourself when you are down: “Well, I have not found a job yet, but I have gotten really good at writing cover letters. " Seeing the humor in your situation helps you take a step back and see things in perspective. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Humor is a key component of resilience: laughing kindly at yourself will help carry you through your greatest trials. [12] X Research source
When you notice these kinds of thoughts arise, question them. They are coming from an a negatively biased, critical place. Instead, ask yourself, “Is this really true?"[13] X Expert Source Catherine Boswell, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. Look for evidence for and against these claims. [14] X Research source Write down an affirmation that goes against the negative self-talk. If you keep thinking of yourself as a failure, write something like, “I am a capable person” on a sticky note and put it on your mirror. Say it aloud to yourself and you can begin to change your negative thinking.
Try journaling to put your obsessive thinking to rest. Getting it out of your head and down on paper can give you some relief from rumination and help reveal any underlying fears. [15] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U. S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source Instead of doing a play-by-play, stop and ask yourself, “Okay, what have I learned here?” Maybe you learned you need to leave 30 minutes early for appointments so that you do not show up late to your next job interview. Use mindful meditation to bring you back to the present. Mindful meditation helps you stop worrying about what happened in the past and focus on the here and now, and you can start asking yourself: what can I do differently today?
